I Miss You!

I miss the joy that I had before my diagnosis, when pain and dislocations weren't a daily thing,  when I was partnered with Amway, when I was working hard to be a millionaire, when I *could* work hard, before I was robbed at gunpoint and before I was sexually assaulted. The last few years, life has stolen so much from me. It's not that I'm never happy... believe me, there are times that I am, but the Carley that I was 5 years ago is gone.  I trust less. I worry more. I stress more.

So many times people say that what they've been through has made them who they are and even though it was hard, they don't necessarily wish they could go back and change it.  Well, I wish I could. I would change what my major originally was.  I would've gone into medical in the beginning.  I wouldn't have moved to Westland, wouldn't have met the guy who raped me, wouldn't have trusted him. I would've stayed involved in and worked harder with Amway. I would've started using braces and strengthening my muscles a long time ago. I would've fought harder for a diagnosis sooner. I would've trusted my instincts when I was robbed... I knew in my heart something was wrong but I didn't listen.  I had a gun on my head. 2 of the 3 boys weren't covering their faces... that's not usually a good sign.  

Anyway... the last few years have changed me and stolen from me.  I have grown up and realized that being an adult has a few perks but not many.  I have learned that not all people are good. i have learned that not all people care about others as much as they care about themselves.  I miss when life was simpler. I miss when I was stressed about things other than bills and credit reports. I miss the time when I could see a black man with dreadlocks and not have major anxiety and flashbacks.  

I am grateful for my family and my closest friends.  I am grateful that I finally found my calling.  I am grateful for that. So, it's not all bad, I promise. It's just hard when the bad starts to feel like it is outweighing the good, even if it truly isn't.  Right now, I am so confident that medical assisting is where I should be, that that is keeping me positive.
I am grateful for the doctors who believe and listen. I am grateful for the things that happen that make me smile or laugh.  I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but it will be nice when it's not as hard.  Disability sucks... especially when it's a disability that can't be seen.  Please stay patient. Please be kind. Please be understanding.  I miss who I was and what I had thats now gone.  I miss it and would do almost anything if I knew it would bring back what was stolen from me. 

I love you all.  Thank you for all your love and support!