In All Honesty

Hey everyone!  I hope you all are doing well!  I want to be completely honest with all of you in this post.  I hope you don't mind.  I try to keep my positive attitude strong through all of this and try to keep my blog funny and positive.  I just need to make sure everyone understands, even though I'm trying to stay positive, I'm not always feeling happy.  Sometimes I can't get to class or I can't do things I want to do because of my pain level, energy level, and just overall fatigue and health.  I want so badly to be able to do everything and just be on the go.  My heart desires to be strong, awake, happy and painless.  I think that is one of the hardest aspects of having EDS.  EDS seriously limits me, even though I try to not let it. 

My pain is consistently a 4ish. 
My back is usually the worst, at a consistent 6ish.
My neck and shoulders are a consistent 4ish.
My hips (mainly my left) are a consistent 4 to 6.
My hands will flare up to a 7, especially when my fingers dislocate.
My knees will get up to a 8 when they give out, and will get up to a 9 or 10 if they fully dislocate.
My knees are a consistent 5 or 6.
My acid reflux is really bad, especially at night, but still can cause problems during the day.
My memory is really bad and even though I used to be excellent at English, I have been making stupid mistakes lately.  I simply cannot remember things.  There are times that I honestly cannot even remember what medications I'm on.  I keep a list of everything, from doctors to medications, to all my emergency information.  Someone can ask me a simple question and I take forever to know the answer.
Sometimes I feel really dizzy and lightheaded.
Recently, I have had problems with holding things.  I seem to drop alot of different things and because of the pain, it is hard to pick it back up.
I can't go to the ER every time I have a dislocation or subluxation (partial dislocation) and so I am usually the one trying to put things back into place. The problem with that is sometimes I can't get things back in for awhile and every part of it dislocating and going back in hurts about a 9 or 10.
Some days, I have alot of energy (aka spoons) and can accomplish a lot!  Then there are days that I wake up in the morning and just know that my day isn't going to be very productive because it takes an incredible amount of effort to sit up.
My medication causes me to feel all sorts of crap.  One night, after raising the dose of one of my medications, I was hallucinating and really disorientated. 
I also get depressed sometimes from all of this.  I feel like EDS is going to control my life, despite my efforts to stay in control of my life.  I have had problems for years, but as anyone with EDS knows, symptoms get worse over time, and mine continue to.

I still love. I still laugh. I still smile. 
I'm still Carley. I just have alot to overcome in order to feel okay.  I will never be completely painless.  I will never be completely healthy and trying to get as healthy as I can be is going to be really hard. 
Thank you all for your support and love.  Every time someone says or does something to make me smile or laugh, it makes things just a little brighter.  I'm so grateful for all of you! I really wish there was words to describe how much I truly love and cherish you all.
Gentle hugs!