A Different Kind of Pain

Hey everyone!  Lately, I have felt like I wanted to update my blog but was totally sure what to write.  I've dealt with physical pain but luckily not as much as I do in the winter.  Lately, my emotional pain seems to be higher.  With living at home, with my amazing parents and my brother and sister, comes different levels of anxiety and stress.  Things that I did when I was on my own are suddenly not okay or have to be done on someone else's time and by their standards.  I'm not used to being told that my showers take to long or that the way I put food in the fridge isn't okay.  I'm not used to arguing with someone over where to park a car.  I'm definitely not used to watching so many sports games on TV.  I love my family.  Everyone knows that.  I'm very proud of my sister's accomplishments as a volleyball player (MVP in my opinion).  She is becoming a sassy and gorgeous woman.  I'm also proud of my brother for fighting through the last bit of high school.  His last day was Friday and he graduates on Thursday.  I'm proud to say I'm a daughter of Chris and Pat.  My dad is an amazing provider and dad.  He works really hard and waaay more than he should.  I'm proud of my mom for having her two businesses and working with Kelly in the customer service end of the business. 
With all the changes becoming so real, emotional pain starts to come in.  When I moved home, I had to swallow some pride and make the decision as an adult and not as what I worked hard for.  I had lost my job, broke up with my fiance, and started having alot of symptoms of EDS and Fibromyalgia.  It was October and was time to move home.  I didn't have a job, relationship, house (I let him stay there), and health was getting worse.  After being home for 4 months, I finally was diagnosed with EDS in Feb of this year.  That diagnosis was, not only a relief, but also life changing.  My symptoms were horrible and my pain was a consistent 7 everyday.  I lost track of school and my life kind of fell apart.  To fast forward a little, I ended up getting a favorable grade in one of my major classes, getting 6 extra weeks to complete my writing class, and not passing my other class for my major.  I was devastated. Not only was I not going to be able to continue with my friends, but I wouldn't get to retake that class for 2 semesters. 

Emotional Pain.

After discussing things with my mentor and God, I've decided that maybe it's time for a recharge and refocus.  It's not that I can't sign or can't interpret, it's just not where God needs me.  Believe me when I say that alot went into the decision.  Even though my decision has given me peace and relief, I now am grieving the loss of a dream.  That dream was 13 years old.  There will always be a place in my heart for the Deaf Community and for sign language.  I'm going to try Social Work.  I think my love, care, and understanding can really benefit more people if I'm a social worker.  I know it's not glamorous, but anyone who knows me knows that I love helping people.  I totally believe that this is a great fit.

Speaking at Take Back the Night in Detroit was phenomenal, but also retraumitizing.  I've done very good the last year and a half (the rape took place 2 years ago) but lately it just seems kind of like I'm going through the anxiety and depression all over again.  I think I was ready to speak and share my story, but I should've used my resources and support team better.  I also think it was horrible timing, considering that every other part of my life seemed to be falling apart.

Emotional pain is invisible.  Unfortunately, so is all the other pain I have.  Sometimes it can be really easy to hide that we are struggling with emotional pain.  Dealing with the ups and downs of life that sometimes seem too extreme for us to handle and understanding that the best way out is to go through it, not around it.  Sometimes the only way out is through it and you don't even have an option to go around it.  Having that option would be too easy sometimes.  I hate depression and anxiety.  I hate PTSD.  All kinds of emotional pain unfortunately lead to physical pain.  It leads to muscle tension, sleepless nights, nerve pain, and stupid decisions.
Just be respectful of emotional pain.  Sometimes I think we forget that other people are struggling.  It's easy to forget that sometimes it is taking them a ton of energy to smile. Be someone that brings them up, not tears them down farther.
Gentle Hugs.